In an effort not to bore you to death with the mundane, controlled crash that is finals time, I am instead offering some advice. Yes, you read right, advice. Recently, I have found out that quite a few of my overseas friends are coming to America. One in particular, my summer roommate C, is coming all the way from South Africa to Kansas to get her PhD. Since I am such a wonderful friend, I have decided to dedicate this post to her and all of my other friends who are traveling from afar to the great US of A in the coming months.
The usual rules of general offensiveness, read at your own risk, etc., etc., apply. Don't get me wrong with this post, I love my country. It holds some of the most beautiful scenery on Earth. Despite our tendency to be completely ignorant to the rest of the world, we are a nice and (for the most part) welcoming people. For better or worse, America is my homeland and it isn't all that bad of a place to be.
The list is after the break.
Tips for Foreigners Staying in America
1. Upon arrival the most important thing to do is obtain a vehicle. If you want to fit in nicely it is wise to invest in a vehicle that can hold all of your worldly possessions that you would never put in a car (props if it includes a truck bed); gets the worst gas milage possible; and has large, oversized wheels and rims (DO NOT forget the rims, as they have feelings too). The next best thing to do with your newly acquired 'whip' is to find the nearest compact parking spot and squeeze 'er in it.
2. If vehicle choice number one is too intimidating or masculine for your liking, then opt for the other end of the spectrum, get your paws on a Prius. For those unfamiliar with this make it is a small hybrid with one of the most awkwardly designed back ends one could ever ask for. This statement car screams: 'I may be a douche, but I care about the environment, look at me go in my green machine.' The Prius spits ponies, rainbows, flowers, and singing squirrels out the tail pipe and is the hottest thing in today's market. In order to fit in with the Prius elite get a witty bumper sticker that says something like 'If you can read this, then you're too close to my carbon neutralizer.'
3. Before you come to America it is important to understand world geography according to Americans. Step One: go buy a map. Step Two: white out all country names on the map. Step Three: re-write all the country names on the map in a random fashion. Step Four: turn map upside down. Step Five: memorize.
4. Americans like to start friendly conversation with strangers (unless you are in New York City...in which case friendly conversation with a stranger makes you a wierdo). Upon realization that you are from a distant land expect questions like the following (these examples are South African Centric): So do you live with lions? How many vuvuzelas do you own? Do they have cars in South Africa or do you ride a giraffe around town? Do you have paved roads? Is there electricity? So do you have like AIDS or something? South Africa, that's cool. It's right below Brazil right? Do your toilets flush in the other direction? Do you have toilets? (I make no exaggeration, I moved to California from Ohio and got asked some of the above questions...and this was within my own country)
5. If you mumble things in a foreign language (read: other than English and Spanish) you are a terrorist.
6. Be sure to pick your sports allegiances carefully. When in doubt, just go with the team closest to your place of residence. Remember; although the up and coming generations are more interested, no one cares about soccer...(never call it football...ever...).
7. If you do not know the fundamentals of American football, you are a terrorist.
8. There will be days when you say to yourself 'Man...the system has got me down, man. I mean dude, it's a total bummer on my freedoms man.' The cure to such distress is simple: let your hair down and go occupy anything; a bus stop bench, a local Starbucks, or a port-o-potty then start a drum circle. When people stop and ask what it is you are doing you simply reply: 'Occupying man.' When asked to elaborate, say something along the lines of 'The corporations man, what are they, you know? Evil stuff man.' then continue drumming.
9. After spending some time in America, it is quite common to be overcome with un-provoked paranoia. At this point, it is advisable to invoke the power of the Second Amendment: the right to bear arms. Bunker up somewhere safe, preferably with only one point of entry and arm yourself to the teeth. Pistols, grenades, shot guns (bonus points if it's sawed off), semi-automatic weapons, and a good gatling gun are a good base for your arsenal. It is better to be safe with gun powder and candle light than alone in the darkness...who know's what's out there.
10. If you don't own a smart phone, you are a terrorist.
11. Americans love to talk about current events. 'Omg why are people in Africa so poor?' 'The economy is awful, I wish I knew why.' 'We are all going to die because the world is coming to an end on Dec. 21st.' 'Did you hear about how many people are being killed in Mexico?' When these things happen, Americans often become sad and don't know what to do. Some use their phones to text message charities, others go and buy things to drown their sorrows. Making one of these two suggestions will likely make your new American friend feel better. If those ideas don't work, change the subject matter to something that makes Americans happy like asking about Snookie's new baby, or - for the straight, male counterparts - exclaim how hot Tom Brady's wife is.
12. Canada is useless.
13. Lastly, don't forget, if someone tells you 'no' in America you can always do the following. Gaze off into the wild yonder and exclaim: 'Whatever, I'll do what I want, it's a free country!' and carry on.
Happy travels!
-M
In an effort not to bore you to death with the mundane, controlled crash that is finals time, I am instead offering some advice. Yes, you read right, advice. Recently, I have found out that quite a few of my overseas friends are coming to America. One in particular, my summer roommate C, is coming all the way from South Africa to Kansas to get her PhD. Since I am such a wonderful friend, I have decided to dedicate this post to her and all of my other friends who are traveling from afar to the great US of A in the coming months.
The usual rules of general offensiveness, read at your own risk, etc., etc., apply. Don't get me wrong with this post, I love my country. It holds some of the most beautiful scenery on Earth. Despite our tendency to be completely ignorant to the rest of the world, we are a nice and (for the most part) welcoming people. For better or worse, America is my homeland and it isn't all that bad of a place to be.
The list is after the break.
Tips for Foreigners Staying in America
1. Upon arrival the most important thing to do is obtain a vehicle. If you want to fit in nicely it is wise to invest in a vehicle that can hold all of your worldly possessions that you would never put in a car (props if it includes a truck bed); gets the worst gas milage possible; and has large, oversized wheels and rims (DO NOT forget the rims, as they have feelings too). The next best thing to do with your newly acquired 'whip' is to find the nearest compact parking spot and squeeze 'er in it.
2. If vehicle choice number one is too intimidating or masculine for your liking, then opt for the other end of the spectrum, get your paws on a Prius. For those unfamiliar with this make it is a small hybrid with one of the most awkwardly designed back ends one could ever ask for. This statement car screams: 'I may be a douche, but I care about the environment, look at me go in my green machine.' The Prius spits ponies, rainbows, flowers, and singing squirrels out the tail pipe and is the hottest thing in today's market. In order to fit in with the Prius elite get a witty bumper sticker that says something like 'If you can read this, then you're too close to my carbon neutralizer.'
3. Before you come to America it is important to understand world geography according to Americans. Step One: go buy a map. Step Two: white out all country names on the map. Step Three: re-write all the country names on the map in a random fashion. Step Four: turn map upside down. Step Five: memorize.
4. Americans like to start friendly conversation with strangers (unless you are in New York City...in which case friendly conversation with a stranger makes you a wierdo). Upon realization that you are from a distant land expect questions like the following (these examples are South African Centric): So do you live with lions? How many vuvuzelas do you own? Do they have cars in South Africa or do you ride a giraffe around town? Do you have paved roads? Is there electricity? So do you have like AIDS or something? South Africa, that's cool. It's right below Brazil right? Do your toilets flush in the other direction? Do you have toilets? (I make no exaggeration, I moved to California from Ohio and got asked some of the above questions...and this was within my own country)
5. If you mumble things in a foreign language (read: other than English and Spanish) you are a terrorist.
6. Be sure to pick your sports allegiances carefully. When in doubt, just go with the team closest to your place of residence. Remember; although the up and coming generations are more interested, no one cares about soccer...(never call it football...ever...).
7. If you do not know the fundamentals of American football, you are a terrorist.
8. There will be days when you say to yourself 'Man...the system has got me down, man. I mean dude, it's a total bummer on my freedoms man.' The cure to such distress is simple: let your hair down and go occupy anything; a bus stop bench, a local Starbucks, or a port-o-potty then start a drum circle. When people stop and ask what it is you are doing you simply reply: 'Occupying man.' When asked to elaborate, say something along the lines of 'The corporations man, what are they, you know? Evil stuff man.' then continue drumming.
9. After spending some time in America, it is quite common to be overcome with un-provoked paranoia. At this point, it is advisable to invoke the power of the Second Amendment: the right to bear arms. Bunker up somewhere safe, preferably with only one point of entry and arm yourself to the teeth. Pistols, grenades, shot guns (bonus points if it's sawed off), semi-automatic weapons, and a good gatling gun are a good base for your arsenal. It is better to be safe with gun powder and candle light than alone in the darkness...who know's what's out there.
10. If you don't own a smart phone, you are a terrorist.
11. Americans love to talk about current events. 'Omg why are people in Africa so poor?' 'The economy is awful, I wish I knew why.' 'We are all going to die because the world is coming to an end on Dec. 21st.' 'Did you hear about how many people are being killed in Mexico?' When these things happen, Americans often become sad and don't know what to do. Some use their phones to text message charities, others go and buy things to drown their sorrows. Making one of these two suggestions will likely make your new American friend feel better. If those ideas don't work, change the subject matter to something that makes Americans happy like asking about Snookie's new baby, or - for the straight, male counterparts - exclaim how hot Tom Brady's wife is.
12. Canada is useless.
13. Lastly, don't forget, if someone tells you 'no' in America you can always do the following. Gaze off into the wild yonder and exclaim: 'Whatever, I'll do what I want, it's a free country!' and carry on.
Happy travels!
-M
In an effort not to bore you to death with the mundane, controlled crash that is finals time, I am instead offering some advice. Yes, you read right, advice. Recently, I have found out that quite a few of my overseas friends are coming to America. One in particular, my summer roommate C, is coming all the way from South Africa to Kansas to get her PhD. Since I am such a wonderful friend, I have decided to dedicate this post to her and all of my other friends who are traveling from afar to the great US of A in the coming months.
The usual rules of general offensiveness, read at your own risk, etc., etc., apply. Don't get me wrong with this post, I love my country. It holds some of the most beautiful scenery on Earth. Despite our tendency to be completely ignorant to the rest of the world, we are a nice and (for the most part) welcoming people. For better or worse, America is my homeland and it isn't all that bad of a place to be.
The list is after the break.
Tips for Foreigners Staying in America
1. Upon arrival the most important thing to do is obtain a vehicle. If you want to fit in nicely it is wise to invest in a vehicle that can hold all of your worldly possessions that you would never put in a car (props if it includes a truck bed); gets the worst gas milage possible; and has large, oversized wheels and rims (DO NOT forget the rims, as they have feelings too). The next best thing to do with your newly acquired 'whip' is to find the nearest compact parking spot and squeeze 'er in it.
2. If vehicle choice number one is too intimidating or masculine for your liking, then opt for the other end of the spectrum, get your paws on a Prius. For those unfamiliar with this make it is a small hybrid with one of the most awkwardly designed back ends one could ever ask for. This statement car screams: 'I may be a douche, but I care about the environment, look at me go in my green machine.' The Prius spits ponies, rainbows, flowers, and singing squirrels out the tail pipe and is the hottest thing in today's market. In order to fit in with the Prius elite get a witty bumper sticker that says something like 'If you can read this, then you're too close to my carbon neutralizer.'
3. Before you come to America it is important to understand world geography according to Americans. Step One: go buy a map. Step Two: white out all country names on the map. Step Three: re-write all the country names on the map in a random fashion. Step Four: turn map upside down. Step Five: memorize.
4. Americans like to start friendly conversation with strangers (unless you are in New York City...in which case friendly conversation with a stranger makes you a wierdo). Upon realization that you are from a distant land expect questions like the following (these examples are South African Centric): So do you live with lions? How many vuvuzelas do you own? Do they have cars in South Africa or do you ride a giraffe around town? Do you have paved roads? Is there electricity? So do you have like AIDS or something? South Africa, that's cool. It's right below Brazil right? Do your toilets flush in the other direction? Do you have toilets? (I make no exaggeration, I moved to California from Ohio and got asked some of the above questions...and this was within my own country)
5. If you mumble things in a foreign language (read: other than English and Spanish) you are a terrorist.
6. Be sure to pick your sports allegiances carefully. When in doubt, just go with the team closest to your place of residence. Remember; although the up and coming generations are more interested, no one cares about soccer...(never call it football...ever...).
7. If you do not know the fundamentals of American football, you are a terrorist.
8. There will be days when you say to yourself 'Man...the system has got me down, man. I mean dude, it's a total bummer on my freedoms man.' The cure to such distress is simple: let your hair down and go occupy anything; a bus stop bench, a local Starbucks, or a port-o-potty then start a drum circle. When people stop and ask what it is you are doing you simply reply: 'Occupying man.' When asked to elaborate, say something along the lines of 'The corporations man, what are they, you know? Evil stuff man.' then continue drumming.
9. After spending some time in America, it is quite common to be overcome with un-provoked paranoia. At this point, it is advisable to invoke the power of the Second Amendment: the right to bear arms. Bunker up somewhere safe, preferably with only one point of entry and arm yourself to the teeth. Pistols, grenades, shot guns (bonus points if it's sawed off), semi-automatic weapons, and a good gatling gun are a good base for your arsenal. It is better to be safe with gun powder and candle light than alone in the darkness...who know's what's out there.
10. If you don't own a smart phone, you are a terrorist.
11. Americans love to talk about current events. 'Omg why are people in Africa so poor?' 'The economy is awful, I wish I knew why.' 'We are all going to die because the world is coming to an end on Dec. 21st.' 'Did you hear about how many people are being killed in Mexico?' When these things happen, Americans often become sad and don't know what to do. Some use their phones to text message charities, others go and buy things to drown their sorrows. Making one of these two suggestions will likely make your new American friend feel better. If those ideas don't work, change the subject matter to something that makes Americans happy like asking about Snookie's new baby, or - for the straight, male counterparts - exclaim how hot Tom Brady's wife is.
12. Canada is useless.
13. Lastly, don't forget, if someone tells you 'no' in America you can always do the following. Gaze off into the wild yonder and exclaim: 'Whatever, I'll do what I want, it's a free country!' and carry on.
Happy travels!
-M
In an effort not to bore you to death with the mundane, controlled crash that is finals time, I am instead offering some advice. Yes, you read right, advice. Recently, I have found out that quite a few of my overseas friends are coming to America. One in particular, my summer roommate C, is coming all the way from South Africa to Kansas to get her PhD. Since I am such a wonderful friend, I have decided to dedicate this post to her and all of my other friends who are traveling from afar to the great US of A in the coming months.
The usual rules of general offensiveness, read at your own risk, etc., etc., apply. Don't get me wrong with this post, I love my country. It holds some of the most beautiful scenery on Earth. Despite our tendency to be completely ignorant to the rest of the world, we are a nice and (for the most part) welcoming people. For better or worse, America is my homeland and it isn't all that bad of a place to be.
The list is after the break.
Tips for Foreigners Staying in America
1. Upon arrival the most important thing to do is obtain a vehicle. If you want to fit in nicely it is wise to invest in a vehicle that can hold all of your worldly possessions that you would never put in a car (props if it includes a truck bed); gets the worst gas milage possible; and has large, oversized wheels and rims (DO NOT forget the rims, as they have feelings too). The next best thing to do with your newly acquired 'whip' is to find the nearest compact parking spot and squeeze 'er in it.
2. If vehicle choice number one is too intimidating or masculine for your liking, then opt for the other end of the spectrum, get your paws on a Prius. For those unfamiliar with this make it is a small hybrid with one of the most awkwardly designed back ends one could ever ask for. This statement car screams: 'I may be a douche, but I care about the environment, look at me go in my green machine.' The Prius spits ponies, rainbows, flowers, and singing squirrels out the tail pipe and is the hottest thing in today's market. In order to fit in with the Prius elite get a witty bumper sticker that says something like 'If you can read this, then you're too close to my carbon neutralizer.'
3. Before you come to America it is important to understand world geography according to Americans. Step One: go buy a map. Step Two: white out all country names on the map. Step Three: re-write all the country names on the map in a random fashion. Step Four: turn map upside down. Step Five: memorize.
4. Americans like to start friendly conversation with strangers (unless you are in New York City...in which case friendly conversation with a stranger makes you a wierdo). Upon realization that you are from a distant land expect questions like the following (these examples are South African Centric): So do you live with lions? How many vuvuzelas do you own? Do they have cars in South Africa or do you ride a giraffe around town? Do you have paved roads? Is there electricity? So do you have like AIDS or something? South Africa, that's cool. It's right below Brazil right? Do your toilets flush in the other direction? Do you have toilets? (I make no exaggeration, I moved to California from Ohio and got asked some of the above questions...and this was within my own country)
5. If you mumble things in a foreign language (read: other than English and Spanish) you are a terrorist.
6. Be sure to pick your sports allegiances carefully. When in doubt, just go with the team closest to your place of residence. Remember; although the up and coming generations are more interested, no one cares about soccer...(never call it football...ever...).
7. If you do not know the fundamentals of American football, you are a terrorist.
8. There will be days when you say to yourself 'Man...the system has got me down, man. I mean dude, it's a total bummer on my freedoms man.' The cure to such distress is simple: let your hair down and go occupy anything; a bus stop bench, a local Starbucks, or a port-o-potty then start a drum circle. When people stop and ask what it is you are doing you simply reply: 'Occupying man.' When asked to elaborate, say something along the lines of 'The corporations man, what are they, you know? Evil stuff man.' then continue drumming.
9. After spending some time in America, it is quite common to be overcome with un-provoked paranoia. At this point, it is advisable to invoke the power of the Second Amendment: the right to bear arms. Bunker up somewhere safe, preferably with only one point of entry and arm yourself to the teeth. Pistols, grenades, shot guns (bonus points if it's sawed off), semi-automatic weapons, and a good gatling gun are a good base for your arsenal. It is better to be safe with gun powder and candle light than alone in the darkness...who know's what's out there.
10. If you don't own a smart phone, you are a terrorist.
11. Americans love to talk about current events. 'Omg why are people in Africa so poor?' 'The economy is awful, I wish I knew why.' 'We are all going to die because the world is coming to an end on Dec. 21st.' 'Did you hear about how many people are being killed in Mexico?' When these things happen, Americans often become sad and don't know what to do. Some use their phones to text message charities, others go and buy things to drown their sorrows. Making one of these two suggestions will likely make your new American friend feel better. If those ideas don't work, change the subject matter to something that makes Americans happy like asking about Snookie's new baby, or - for the straight, male counterparts - exclaim how hot Tom Brady's wife is.
12. Canada is useless.
13. Lastly, don't forget, if someone tells you 'no' in America you can always do the following. Gaze off into the wild yonder and exclaim: 'Whatever, I'll do what I want, it's a free country!' and carry on.
Happy travels!
-M
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